Overwhelmed.

An unplanned newsletter on my thoughts and feelings right now.

I’m writing this on a gloomy Tuesday with no music or distractions like usual, apart from the faint sound of puppies playing in the background. I feel like I’ve been silently keeping my head above water for a while now - feeling overwhelm, struggling to get out of bed (a forever issue which is mostly linked to ADHD and my heart condition POTS I think, but which makes me feel lazy and even sadder) and just an overall low mood. I really feel like I can write about this here and be honest as it feels like a really safe space of the internet (and I hope it stays this way). I am so sorry if you’ve come here for artwork, feel free to hop back out of this newsletter right now to avoid reading my current inner monologue haha, but also know that I have lots of artwork coming soon!

Summer is supposed to be chilled and relaxed but I just feel huge amounts of overwhelm. Having so much to do but struggling to prioritise and self-motivate is such a big thing for me. I have so many ideas but cannot seem to execute them, I start tasks or bodies of artwork and don’t finish them and I never even know where anything is so the first hurdle is always difficult. Honestly, the list goes on and on.

Not sure what I was thinking when adding our last ever puppy litter into the mix too whilst finishing off a never-ending house reno. Although it’s hard work looking after them, the oxytocin from cuddling them all day must must MUST make up for that tenfold. That’s what I’m telling myself. They’re so tiny and adorable and NEED me and I love that feeling. Someone can probably do a psychological deep dive on me from that last sentence alone haha.

I am so grateful for this life that I have built thus far, and the people that I have around me, which is really conflicting in my head as I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling this way.. and why can’t I just ‘get up and do it’. When I was a primary teacher I feel like my mental health was in good check - I got up and off I went to teach underprivileged kids and try make them chuckle and smile. I didn’t stop and think about how I felt often, everything I did was for them. Sometimes I think, is this what I’m missing? How could I ever feel low then, with children coming into school starving or in tears?

When I lived in London I used to write down what I was grateful for in a journal every morning, and I think I’m going to restart this. Although life was a lot quieter then strangely, so in turn I probably had less on my mind to think about.

Being an empath, I naturally feel deeply for others. It is both a blessing and curse to be so attuned to the energies and emotions of those around you. I have a few close people around me going through some really difficult times. Situations that don’t feel real - literally either a sick in the head comedy or a ‘there’s no tissues left’ sad movie. I feel their pain so much and think about these situations everyday. Life is so unfair.

A page from my mini sketchbook including my favourite quote - ‘Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end’.

I do love running my own business and being creative but it is hard and I never ever really switch off. Sometimes I ask my boyfriend what he’s thinking about and he says ‘nothing’ - what do you MEAN nothing?! I am never not thinking about something, whether it’s the orders I need to package up or the meaning of life, my brain is always busy. I also struggle with family members being away - road trips/stay cays/long haul holidays you name it. My death anxiety goes into overdrive and I have intrusive thoughts about bad things happening to them if I don’t hear from them, such as car crashes/ski accidents/bad falls (and much worse)… I really try not to think about these things as I do not want to manifest them into real life of course but I can’t help it!!! I have always been like this, but it was made much worse in the summer of 2012 when I was travelling Asia with a uni friend when we were just 19. We were predictably doing our open water padi dive course in Koh Tao (which was anxiety inducing enough as it was) and I hadn’t heard from my mum for a day or two. My mind went into overdrive and I convinced myself that something had happened to her - she didn’t answer my insane amount of bombarding phone calls and my sister and dad were being shifty and giving me short infrequent answers back. I turned to my aunty who was even more suspicious and then my anxious thoughts came true - my mum had suffered a stroke and was in hospital. Having my anxious thoughts confirmed was the worst feeling in the world, especially being on the other side of the world in Thailand. Luckily, it was near the end of the trip so I was home with her soon enough (and also home to being broken up with by my first boyfriend to just put the cherry on top), but this almost taught my brain that it was correct in its thinking. What does this look like for me now? Tracking my brother on find my friends and ringing him every 30mins on his drive home from a festival yesterday, feeling relief when I see an Instagram story from my other brother to confirm he is alive and well on the mountains of Canada, only being able to sleep once my sister had reached her cute seaside staycay destination on Friday evening, convincing my boyfriend to get the central line to work rather than biking... The list goes on! I thought I was alone in my thinking like this, but it turns out there are many people out there struggling with this everyday too. It’s crazy to think how much brain space that must take up. Anyway, enough about that.

I’m not really sure what the point of this newsletter is - it more so feels like an opportunity for me to get my thoughts out of my brain and into the air… Sometimes I really just want to fall off the face of the Earth when I feel like this. Go quiet for a bit, try to do the simple tasks that other people find so easy like washing and cooking and log off of Instagram. But you can’t just disappear when you are running a business. You have to show up despite how you’re feeling.

The severity of what’s going on in the world at the moment must also weigh down on us all, it really makes me think ‘what is the point of anything?’ A classic spiral about this from time to time keeps me on my toes... Again, I really don’t know what the point of this newsletter was but I’m glad I’ve written it all out and I’ll try my best not to overthink publishing this and delete it. I’m really hoping I can shift this low mood and energy soon. Also, the next newsletter is about the puppies so a real mood booster after this one!!!!

Take care of yourselves, go for walks in nature, ask the people you’re close to how they are and do things that make you happy (I’ve made cookies twice in one week and that makes me happy haha). I am now off to make a massive coffee and try to motivate myself to do some painting and then I’ll head over to pottery, because these really are the only times when my mind is truly quiet and I think I am in dire need of this today. One. Step. At. A. Time.

If you resonate or suffer with any of the things I’ve mentioned in this newsletter please know that you are NOT alone! If you want to reach out and have a conversation about anything then please do. <3

Sending lots of love to you and speak soon,

Harlie x